


Lasting deals

by 99MillionMiles



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Awkward Feelings, Drunk Sex, Kinda, M/M, Weird Feelings, and then feelings, but you can see it however you like, i guess this takes place somewhere during season 3, it's all about feelings ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:10:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8234026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/99MillionMiles/pseuds/99MillionMiles
Summary: Ted wakes up next to Barney, in Barney's bed, and really, it doesn't take a lot of imagination to know what has happened between the two of them.They both decide not to talk about it; but then they remember about the bro code.The only way for that story to be over is to pretend to be a couple and seduce a girl.But to fake it properly will take a lot of work, and Barney and Ted really have to get used to each other if they want to survive their own deal...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the fuck am i doing with my life

Ted wakes up to Barney's smell.  
It doesn't feel strange- not at first, anyway. It's not that much unlikely to happen, Barney and Ted falling asleep while watching a movie or after a _busy_ night.  
That's why Ted doesn't worry about Barney's smell in his nostrils, or about the fact that he feels the warmth of another body close to him. It's not like Barney is _cuddling_ with him or anything, so he doesn't have any reason to worry, right?  
But, yeah. Ted feels _weird_.  
And _weird_ can never, _ever_ be good.  
His head hurts- his back hurts too- and Barney's smell is very much familiar but also very much _strong_ , like he's too much _close_ , and-  
Ted finally opens his eyes.  
No TV in front of them- no couch and no food or beer on the floor. He's laying on a very comfortable, very warm bed, and Barney is sleeping just a few inches away from Ted, and something isn't right.  
Ted just notices a very particular detail about himself and his best friend; they're very much _not_ dressed.  
Fuck.  
Something _definitely_ isn't right.  
Ted tells himself not to panic. That can't be real, right? Must be his own imagination.  
He and Barney are best bros, have always been and always will be, and _such_ a thing couldn't ever happen between them, and it must be a joke or something like that, because Ted isn't attracted to Barney _at all_ , and Barney isn't as well _for sure_ , yeah?  
Ted tries to sit up, and his back protests.  
His eyes automatically widen; it's not like he has _ever_ done... _that_ , but he know that, uh, that's supposed to happen, when...  
_Shit shit shit._  
Barney's timing is always bad, but this time it's just the fucking worst. He decides to wake up in that exact moment, just when Ted is trying very hard not to panic, and the first thing that he does is blinking.  
The second is looking over at himself, and then at Ted.  
The third is screaming.  
Ted screams too, finally letting out all of his panic. His mouth is open so widely as he screams that he really hopes it hasn't had any chance to improve its, ugh, stretching ability.  
And this, too, is possibly the worst thing Ted could think of right now.  
“What the hell has happened?” Barney yells, basically jumping as far away from Ted as he can.  
“I don't know!” Ted yells back, and his back hurts again as he tries to move away from Barney as well. “Ouch” he moans, “I only know that my back is so fucking _sore_ , and I swear Barney, if _you_ -”  
“Me?” Barney cuts him off. “Come on, this can't be _my_ fault! You probably just couldn't resist! My charm is too much-”  
Ted sent a pillow flying to his head, and hoped to hit him as hard as possible. “We slept together and all you can think of doing is _talking about your charm_? Do you know how terrible this is?”  
Barney lets the pillow fall to the floor and tries to calm Ted down. “Alright, alright” he says, his eyes closed in an attempt to focus. “We'll just pretend that nothing happened” he announces, “and we're never, _ever_ going to tell _anyone_.”  
He looks up at Ted. “Deal?”  
“Deal” Ted confirms. Then sighs. “My back hurts so much” he says quietly, hiding his face in his hands. “And I need an aspirin.”  
Barney rises to his feet and almost stumbles- yeah, they must have drunk so much yesterday night. “Coming” he says, walking out of the room. He stops halfway to turn around and scratch his hip.  
“I didn't want to say that-”  
“Barney!” Ted yells, and Barney just raises his hands and disappears.  
He's very much naked, and Ted just looks away. He feels so completely uncomfortable.  
He starts massaging his own temples, trying to remember- but nothing comes to his mind.  
Barney comes back in a few seconds, and why the hell didn't he put anything on? This is already embarrassing as it is.  
But Ted immediately forgets to scold him as he sees the glass of water that Barney is holding; he gulps down the water and the aspirin, and already feels better.  
“So” Barney says as he puts the glass on the night stand, “do you remember anything?”  
“Nothing” Ted answers, almost groaning. “You?”  
“Uh...we were drinking at the pub.”  
“As we always do, yeah.”  
“There were a lot of girls.”  
“As usual.”  
“Very hot ones.”  
“Let me guess, you flirted with the redhead?”  
“Probably, yes.”  
“And?”  
Barney sighs. “That's all I remember, dude.”  
Ted sighs too- this is so messed up, and he feels so awkward. Also he has to pee. And he wants to be out of Barney's room in a second.  
“I should leave” he murmurs. Seeing Barney uncomfortable makes him feel even more uncomfortable himself, and he really has to get out of here as fast as he can. “See you later, yeah?”  
He has no idea where his clothes are. He opens his mouth to say something, but no sound comes out of his mouth.  
Thanks to god, Barney already knows what he would like to say and also knows what to answer. “Here” he says, handing him some of his clothes. A pair of jeans, a shirt, and-  
“I don't, hum, want to wear this” Ted says, awkwardly handing him back his underwear.  
That pulls a chuckle out of Barney's mouth, and that sound instantly makes Ted feel just a tiny bit better. He forces a smile on his face as well.  
“Where are my shoes?” he asks, just a little less uncomfortably. They're nowhere to be seen.  
“I think they're somewhere” Barney answers, “...probably. Just wear mine, I don't care.”  
Ted just nods. “Alright. I should...I'd better be off.”  
Barney nods too. “Yep.”  
And Ted has never, ever seen Barney act to weird in his whole life.  
But two evenings later, when his back still hurts- only slightly, though- but Ted's mind has pretty much recovered from the shock, Barney doesn't look uncomfortable at all. He just smiles up at him when Ted shows up at their usual table, makes room for him on the couch, and keeps talking with the rest of their gang.  
“And that's how I got her to sleep with me” he says, and Ted has no idea what he's rambling about, but he feels very much reassured anyway. Nothing has changed- nothing will. They will pretend that nothing happened, just as Barney said, and everything will be alright.  
“I'm confused” Marshall says, furrowing his eyebrows. “How-”  
Robin cuts him off and, as she gets excited about something she's talking about, Ted lets himself get lost in his thoughts.  
He can't help but _wonder_ \- what has it been like, being with Barney in _that_ way? He has...just sometimes...wondered about it. Wonder what it feels like, to sleep with a guy.  
He's by no mean attracted to guys, but...he's curious. He's definitely straight. Just, curious.  
Also, why the hell did his back hurt that much? Is it fucking normal?  
And that's when a terrible, horrible question comes to his mind.  
“Barney” he calls all of a sudden, his voice being way too loud. “I need to talk to you. Privately. Right now.”  
Barney raises one of his eyebrow, looks down just for a second, then looks at Ted once again and any trace of uncertainty is completely gone. “We have nothing to talk about” he says, very seriously. _Too_ seriously.  
“No, no, really” Ted insists. “We have to, trust me. Come on, come on.”  
Barney bites back a sigh and gets to his feet, following Ted out of the pub. He doesn't even let Ted start talking.  
“Look, Ted- we decided not to talk about it, so why do you have to-”  
“I- I don't want to talk about it” Ted interrupts him, “I just have a very important question.”  
Barney looks a little bit calmer. “Which is?” he asks.  
“What about our bro code?” Ted murmurs.  
Barney's mouth forms a little _o_ of confusion, but it quickly disappear.  
“Actually” he says after a few seconds, “not. Not completely, at least.”  
The focused look on his face doesn't make things any easier for Ted- in fact, it kinda worries him more than it should reassure him. “What do you mean?” he asks.  
“Well” Barney says nonchalantly. “I think that pretending to be gay could be a good way to get girls to sleep with me.”  
Ted rolls his eyes. “You think that _any_ way is a good way to do that, Barney.”  
“That's because it's me who's flirting” Barney smirks, “I just can't loose, you know.”  
Ted sighs. “I still don't get what you're trying to tell me, dude.”  
“We can make it right” Barney starts explaining, “if we pretend to be a couple for a night.”  
Ted's eyes immediately widen. “What?!” he basically yells. “No! We already slept together once, I have no intention of ever doing that again-”  
“We don't have to do that!” Barney cuts him off. “We just have to pretend to be gay and to be a couple and find ourselves some pretty girls to take home with us. That's all.”  
Ted looks tentatively at him. “Really? That's all?” he asks.  
“That's all” Barney repeats. “We find two girls- no, just one is alright too- and we persuade her to come home with us. Then we pretend to have an emergency and leave. No sleeping together, no threesome, no anything. That's how the story ends, and how we do _not_ break our bro code.”  
Barney puts a knuckle under his chin. “Even if a threesome, actually...”  
“No” Ted snaps. “Come on, Barney.”  
Barney laughs and heads back into the pub. “You have no sense of humour” he says as Ted follows him back to their table.  
“So, maybe tonight?” Barney asks, taking his usual seat. Ted shakes his head.  
“I'm still a bit sore” he says. “Maybe tomorrow.”  
“Whoa, Ted” Lily chuckles, exchanging looks with Robin. “Somebody did weird things to you?”  
“You can tell us, if someone pulled your hair” Robin jokes.  
“What?” Marshall says, surprised. “Are you saying that Ted-”  
“Oh, come on!” Ted interrupts them, blushing furiously. “This isn't funny! And nothing weird happened to me!”  
Ted can see Barney chuckle quietly- he's having _fun_ , the bastard.  
“I don't to interfere with your weird preferences, Ted” he says, looking down at the small of his back, “but if you go around with a butterfly tattooed _right there_ , things like that are pretty much inevitable.”  
Ted just blushes furiously once again, yelling threats at his stupid friends.

Ted wakes up to his phone ringing; he swears under his breath, getting up to answer it.  
He looks at the name on the screen and grimaces. “Lily?” he asks, walking into his kitchen. “It's so early, why-”  
“I'm sorry Ted, but I'll be busy all day and I really have to make sure of something” Lily cuts him off, sounding worried.  
Ted sighs. “Alright, tell me.”  
Lily, on the other end of the phone, takes a deep breath before she speaks. “Has anything happened between you and Barney?”  
Ted is so, so very glad that he's still making coffee and not _drinking_ it- he would have probably coughed it all out of his mouth and die. “What? What do you mean?” he asks, trying to sound confused.  
“Ted, come on...you were acting so weird, yesterday night. I know that something must have happened- you looked so...embarrassed!”  
Ted widen his mouth and tries to look offended- which has no point, since Lily can't actually see him putting such efforts in his facial expressions. “Embarrassed? Me? Lily, come on-”  
“No, _you_ come on” Lily interrupts him, sighing. “I know exactly what happened, Ted” she admits.  
Ted wants to cry, to scream and possibly to kill himself right then and there- this wasn't supposed to happen. Now that Lily knows, also Marshall will know, and Robin will know too, and she'll think that Ted has been messing up with her for all that time while he actually just had Barney on his mind, and Ted has already lost her as a girlfriend, he doesn't want to loose her as a friend too, and Marshall and Lily won't look at him in the same way, and-  
“You've just got to accept it, Ted. I know it's frustrating to see him always winning, but...it's just the way Barney is, and it isn't your fault.”  
Ted sighs loudly. “I suppose you're right” he says weakly. “And, yeah. It can't be my fault. I bet it was just a stupid idea of his.”  
“I bet that too” Lily chuckles, and that makes Ted feel slightly better. “And Ted, seriously, there's no point in fighting him.”  
Ted furrows his eyebrows and feels a rush of anger taking over his whole body. “What? I _have_ to fight him! This can't go on! I don't want to-”  
“Ted, your back has hurt for days! When will you learn? You two don't have to fight _physically_ \- at least, you should try to talk before you just come to punches!”  
Ted opens his mouth to say something, but those words confuse him. What the hell does Lily mean?  
“Look, Ted” she sighs again, patiently, “he's always going to win. He'll always win bets, and he will always get the hottest girls. And you shouldn't get mad- it's just how things are. No need to be embarrassed or uncomfortable or awkward around him- none can win against Barney! Just let it go, will you?”  
Ted feels so, fucking, relieved. Lily hasn't understand a thing! And everything is fine.  
“Oh!” he smiles, before he scolds himself and tries to sound much more surprised than happy. “Oh” he repeats, softly, “yeah...thank you, Lily.”  
“Anytime, Ted” she says, and she's surely smiling. “I have to go now. Just talk to Barney, alright? I hate seeing you act that way around each other.”  
“Alright” Ted nods, even if Lily can't see him. “See you tonight.”  
“Oh, actually, me and Marshall won't be there tonight” Lily announces, “we have plenty of stuff to do.”  
So...that means it'll be just him and Barney- fuck. Ted hopes that his tone of voice doesn't sound weird. “Ok. Bye, Lily.”  
“Bye, Ted” Lily says, and Ted turns off his phone almost immediately.  
He takes his face in his hands. God, things are going to be super awkward tonight...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, just a short chapter to let you see i want to update this very often. hope you like it!

“Just so you know, things are not going to be super awkward tonight.”  
That's the first thing that Barney says as he sees Ted- and possibly the wrongest thing he could have said in a moment like this.  
“And you know why?” he keeps talking, “because when I feel awkward, I just stop being awkward and-”  
“I wish I could do the same” Ted snaps, “but it's not very easy when we have to pretend to be a couple just because of a stupid deal!”  
Barney stares at him with one of his eyebrow furrowed, then turns to the bartender. “Two scotch, please” he says, and gives Ted another look. “Mh, four would actually be better.”  
“Barney!” Ted calls, rolling his eyes. “I'm serious. I don't want to do this- this is stupid and I don't feel comfortable. _At all_ , really.”  
“Dude, just relax!” Barney says, smirking. “This is going to work just fine. We find a hot girl, talk to her, let her see what an _amazing_ couple we are, she wants to go home with us, and then we randomly stop and talk about an emergency. I already explained you! It's so easy, Ted.”  
Ted just sighs, cursing Barney and himself under his breath. Of all the people of this world, why the _hell_ has he chosen this one to be his best bro?  
“Ted. We get my plan to work and we're free from our deal. Just, chill. Really. You're way too tense, and we have to look natural.”  
Ted nods and mirrors Barney as the man takes the glass of scotch to his lips. “Fine” he agrees, gulping down his scotch in just one smooth movement. Barney closes his hand in a fist, and Ted smiles and hits it with his own.  
“So” he says, taking the second glass in his hand, “how are we going to do this?”  
Barney doesn't even have to think about. “We've been together for ten years at least- don't make that face, listen. As I said, we've been together for ten years _at least_ , and we're getting pretty tired of each other- but we want to stick together, and that's why we've decided to...start experimenting something new” Barney smirks. “Girls are going to love us.”  
Ted just nods. “Okay, this is not too absurd. It may work” -or at least, he hopes it will.  
Barney points to a girl sitting by herself at a table and looking sad. She's not very hot, but she's pretty. “That one?” Barney suggest. Ted nods again, and follows Barney to that table.  
Barney turns to him just a second before they sit. “I think she's been crying!” he says happily, and Ted fights back the urge to roll his eyes.  
“Oh, sweetie” Barney coos, and Ted would love to shatter his glass right in his head. “You don't look okay at all.”  
The girl raises her head and looks up at them. “Who are you?” she asks, and doesn't sound very happy.  
“Oh, right. I'm sorry, I just can't help, seeing such a pretty girl crying...anyway, I'm Barney, and this is Ted” he says, introducing himself and taking hold of Ted's bicep. “My boyfriend.”  
Her eyes widen. “Uh” she says softly, and _completely_ changes her attitude. “I'm Cara. And my stupid boyfriend just broke up with me” she sniffs.  
“That's terrible, love” Barney murmurs, patting her shoulder softly. “And I'm sure he's a horrible person as well. Not every guy in this world can be as good as my Ted is” he adds, sighing.  
Ted is _so_ not going to be able to do this. How the hell can Barney pretend things so easily? How can he _say_ such things?  
But Ted wants this to be over, and to be over as fast as possible. He clears his throat and opens his mouth.  
“In fact” he says, “I can show you how good I am.”  
She slightly stops crying and look at him with a confused expression. “What?” she asks.  
Barney looks at Ted like he would love to hit him right then and there. “What he's trying to say, honey, is that you should not stop living and having fun just because of that bastard. You should have _more_ fun, actually! Do something interesting! Something out of every scheme!”  
“For example” Ted says, “you could come home with us, uh?”  
Cara's eyebrows furrow, and she looks very much annoyed. “You're not real boyfriends” she almost yells.  
“Oh, no, no, we are!” Barney urges. “Have been together for _ten years_ -”  
“At least” Ted adds, desperate. “We want-”  
“-To try something new, you know, uh-”  
“Alright” Cara says, looking at them expectantly. “Then I want you to kiss.”  
Ted really hopes that the panic taking over his body isn't as evident as he thinks it must be.  
“Of course” Barney mutters, after just one second of hesitation. “Ted, love, come on.”  
He turns his face to be directly in front of Ted's, and Ted just looses it.  
“I'm sorry” he basically screams, even though he's trying to keep his tone of voice very low and calm, “I can't do this.”  
He rushes to the exit of the bar, and the sound of a slap on Barney's cheek is honestly relieving.

 

“Ouch.”  
Barney is massaging his cheek as he sits on Ted's couch just a few minutes after the, hum, _incident_. “Did you really have to be so dramatic? That was the hardest bitchslap of my whole life.”  
Barney pauses dramatically. “And, _believe me_ , I've been bitchslapped an awful lot of times.”  
Ted sighs and falls down on the couch as well, just next to him. “I'm sorry” he says, “except I'm not. This is all your fault and you deserved that.”  
Barney just chuckles. “We'll have to work on it.”  
“No” Ted corrects him, “we don't have to do _anything_. This is stupid, and this is over.”  
Barney glares at him. “Ted” he calls, serious. “You can't break a deal-”  
“Who says I can't?” Ted snaps. “I say I _can_! I want, and I _can_ , so I _wi_ \--”  
Barney's mouth collides with his. The one worse thing that could have happened is their noses crushing together, but luckily they don't.  
Barney isn't kissing him to prove a point, and not even to get him used to the feeling- he's kissing him to shut him up, and Ted takes the hint and pulls away.  
His lips are just a thin, closed line on his face. He wont' speak- if he does, he's sure that Barney will kiss him again.  
“Was it different?” he asks. Ted just raises one of his eyebrow in a questioning look.  
“Was it different from kissing a girl?” Barney clarifies, but doesn't give Ted enough time to answer. “It isn't! Kissing is just kissing, making out is just making out, and having sex is just having sex. So please stop being a scared little girl and let this deal be over quickly.”  
Barney moves quickly, and anticipates any move that Ted could think of. He takes a strong hold on his bicep and places a hand just behind his head, pulling him in for another kiss.  
Ted forces himself to relax, even just slightly- he knows that Barney isn't enjoying this. Barney is trying to make things easier, to get both of them used to the feeling of each other's lips and hands, and he can't be the one trying so hard. Ted has to try as well.  
So he does.  
He forces himself to think that Barney is right, that there's no difference in making out with a girl or a guy. That's why he slowly reciprocates the kiss; Barney always rambles about his great kisses and great performances. Well, at least Ted can now see how true those stories actually are.  
Barney's fingers on his biceps don't feel as bad as Ted thought they would. Barney's hold isn't as strong as before; Barney's fingers relax once he's sure Ted isn't going to pull away.  
That's probably why he also stops pulling at his hair- and Ted is thankful for that; it was kinda distracting. Barney's now free hand takes place on his shoulder, holding it gently.  
It's not...it's not _too bad_.  
Strangely enough, Ted feels like Barney's supporting him. Supporting his whole weight, and the weight of them too- the weight of this weird thing that has happened to them.  
And his hold on Ted's shoulder is soft but real, and Ted knows where each one of his fingers is placed, and it feels...okay. If feels...pretty _good_.  
Ted wishes he were as brave as Barney is, but the truth is that Barney is everything that Ted isn't.  
Barney doesn't want to find The One- doesn't want to get married or to have kids, doesn't want to settle down with someone and doesn't want to act seriously even for a second. He wants the fun and he wants it all- Ted wonders if he's having fun right then and there, too.  
But anyway, the point is- Ted _really_ isn't as brave as Barney is, and doesn't know where to put his hands on Barney, doesn't know how to act or how to move in that awkward situation. And Barney, of course, can sense his hesitation.  
He pulls away from the kiss and sighs.  
“Ted.” he calls, very seriously. Ted just huffs.  
“We'll really have to work on this, uh?” Barney says, and Ted lowers his gaze. He doesn't know why, but he suddenly feels extremely problematic; if this were up to Barney, it would be already over.  
Instead, it's also up to him- and that's why everything is so difficult and awkward.  
“I can't believe that we had sex” Ted mutters- and seriously, _why_ the hell does his mouth move on its own? He should learn how to control it.  
Barney laughs- he knows how to laugh everything off, _god_.  
“I bet it was good sex” he smirks.  
“Please” Ted whines, rolling his eyes. “It was drunk sex. _Very_ drunk sex. Which is possibly the _worst_ sex.”  
Barney's smirk doesn't falter at all. “But it was with me” he replies, “so that was the _best_ drunk sex in your life, Theodore.”  
“Still drunk sex, though” Ted says. Barney just laughs again, and Ted smiles slightly as well.  
“Okay, dude, listen” Barney suggests, “we don't have to...you know. We should just take it easy, yeah?”  
“Yeah” Ted sighs. “So...?” he asks.  
“So” Barney says, “we'll get used to this. Slowly. And we'll try again when you feel like you're ready to, alright?”  
Ted just looks at him for a few seconds, and then laughs. “Where is Barney? What have you done to my asshole friend?” he jokes.  
“Ha-ha, so funny” Barney says, rolling his eyes. “I'm being kind because you're my best bro.”  
“There was no need to specify that” Ted groans.  
“Just to let you know.”  
“Yeah. I do.”  
Barney looks at the watch around his wrist. “I should go now” he announces, and just kisses Ted on the lips nonchalantly as he gets up.  
Ted opens his mouth wide, outraged. “Barney!” he scolds him.  
He's laughing, the bastard. “Getting used, Theodore” he smirks. “Natural gestures and stuff.”  
And, well, maybe this won't be as hard as Ted thinks it will.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ted gets so mad at Barney that stuff happens.  
> Also, Barney has an awesome idea.

MacLaren has always been a special place.  
It's the place that Ted probably loves the most- it's basically his second home; and his favorite place, too.  
And Ted had known, since the very first step he took in that bar, that he was going to experience _so much_ more than he had already experienced; but he can _swear_ that he had never, _ever_ , pictured this happening.  
He could have sworn that something like this couldn't possibly happen. He and his best friend pretending to be a couple, just because of a stupid deal.  
Not only that, but also- getting used to each other, to make things look normal. To make things more _credible_.  
And, yeah, this is happening. But not today.  
Today -this very night- Barney seems to have decided to let this _thing_ go. And Ted knows better than to think that he's forgotten about it, but he's fucking grateful for it anyway.  
“Look, Ted, look!” Barney says, all excited, pointing to a random girl. She looks kinda hot from behind.   
“That's the girl you will take home tonight” he adds, elbowing him. “And that's the one _I_ will take home tonight” he smirks, as another girl starts chatting with her.  
Barney takes hold of Ted's arm, dragging him towards the girls. Ted groans, trying to fight him.  
“Barney- I don't want to, come on!” he protests.  
“Ted, I know I'm a _very_ good kisser, and I can't blame you” Barney smiles, “but that hot brunette really needs my attentions too, don't you see?”  
Ted just groans again, giving up on his efforts.  
“Oh, hey, you!” Barney says, stopping in front of the two girls. “Have you met Ted?”  
Ted doesn't even bother to smile. Now that he sees her face, he doesn't really like the girl that Barney has chosen for him- she has a too tiny nose and two too big eyes. It's kinda creepy.  
“Barney” he mutters under his breath. But Barney just won't turn to him- he's _way_ too busy talking to the other girl (who is, obviously, one hundred times more attractive than Ted's one.)  
“We've been in Japan for one year” Barney says, lying as usual. “We're architects, you know, and life in Japan has been though and incredible...”  
Ted tries again, as Barney keeps talking. “Barney” he calls, with his tone of voice just a bit higher than before. Barney completely ignores him.  
The two girls laugh at him, delighted at whatever bullshit Barney has been telling them.   
And Ted suddenly feels _so_ mad- Barney always gets what he wants, always chooses for him, always gets him involved in his stupid plans, always always _always_ -  
Ted randomly grabs his face, stands up on his tip toes (just a bit, alright), and kisses him.  
Barney makes a sound of surprise, but Ted won't let him go. He's so fucking angry, all of a sudden- he doesn't know what the hell has taken over him. He's just so _done_ with his bullshit.  
The kiss lasts just a few seconds, but Ted pulls away with such a loud _smack_ that he can't help but feeling embarrassed.  
“Would you mind coming home with us?” he asks to the girl -the _hot one_ -, turning around to face her like he's just lost his mind.  
The girl opens his mouth and furrows her eyebrows, but doesn't make any sounds. She's probably just too shocked.  
“Hum- ahem- hehe” Barney tries, confused, trying to recover from the shock as well. “Yeah” he finally says, “would you?”  
The girl slaps him in the face- the other girl does too- and they both leave. Barney almost falls with the strength of their bitchslaps.  
“Why is it always me?!” he complains, putting a hand on his sore cheek. “And you! What the fuck was that?” he asks, looking at ted expectantly.  
“You're an asshole” Ted answers, “and, I'm just _so_ done with you, man.”  
“Was that really necessary?” Barney asks again. “Come on! This is the second time I've been bitchslapped because of you!”  
“Are you seriously blaming _me_?” Barney asks back, incredulous. “Barney! You're the one who always messes up with me!” he almost yells.  
“I'm out” he adds, raising up his hands and walking towards the exit of the bar.  
“No, Ted- wait!” Barney shouts, running after him. Ted turns around, sighing.  
“What?!” he asks.  
“You were the one to kiss me!” Barney smiles. “This is progress, dude!”  
Ted leaves before he bitchslaps him as well.

 

*

 

Ted's doorbell rings in the middle of the night.  
At first, when Ted wakes up, he thinks it must have been just his imagination. Who _the hell_ would ring at his door at- wait, 3 a.m.?!  
He sinks his face back in the pillows and tries to sleep again.  
 _And_ the doorbell rings again.  
No. Just, no. He really isn't going to open the door. Lily and/or Marshall will do that.  
Someone knocks at the door again, and Ted remembers. Lily and Marshall aren't fucking _home_.  
Maybe it's them; maybe something went wrong and they decided to get home earlier than expected.   
Ted sighs and stands up.  
He already misses his bed, but opens the door anyway. And, nope, no Marshall and Lily behind it.  
It's Barney.  
“Barney” he groans, fighting the urge to just slam the door in his face. “It's 3 a.m.! Leave me alone!”  
“No no no no Ted, listen” Barney says, quietly -he doesn't want to wake Ted's neighbors up, but he's obviously not concerned about Ted. Of course. “I gotta talk to you” he murmurs, pushing him aside to make his way into his flat, “what you did, it- it was great! Seriously, bro! I wasn't expecting that!”  
He closes the door behind his shoulders, turns the key in the lock just like that was his home and not Ted's. “And that gave me an amazing idea!”  
“Oh God” Ted just groans loudly, letting himself fall on the couch. “I don't want to hear it-”  
“You'll move in!” Barney announces, opening his arms wide and smiling euphorically.  
It takes a few moments for Ted to answer.  
Move in? In _where_? Does Barney mean-  
Does he really-  
What the _hell_ -  
No.  
 _No._  
Just, no.  
“No!” Ted yells, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at Barney.  
“What's with you and pillows?” Barney says, shielding his face with his arms. “Listen, dude- this makes sense!”  
“ _Nothing_ you do ever does” Ted says back, with a grunt of impatience. “Barney- why would I _even_ think of moving in with you?”  
“Because that would make things much easier!” Barney explains. “I just saw how good you are when you act out of thinking! And if we live together -just for the moment, _of course_ -, you'll get just _so_ used to this that our deal will be over in just a few days!”  
“No way-”  
“We'll sleep in the same bed! Eat the same biscuits! Use the same shampoo!” Barney cuts him off.  
“What?” Ted blurts out. “You're going nuts, dude.”  
He turns to his room, but catches _something_ out of the corner of his eyes.  
A bag.  
It's not too big, just big enough _to_...  
“You're NOT sleeping here tonight, Barney!” Ted shouts, pointing to the black leather bag. Stupidly elegant.   
“You really need to go to sleep, Theodore” Barney says, lowering his gaze. “Also, you're acting like you haven't had sex in _months_. So frustrated, my friend-”  
His eyes suddenly lighten. “Oh! I see!” he announces, smirking. “It's that period of the month, uh? Have you tried some anti-prostaglandins?”  
Ted would _love_ to get mad. To scream and force Barney out of his home.   
But, truth is, he's so _tired_ and he just wants to sleep.  
“I have no idea what you said” he murmurs, defeated. “Do whatever you want.”  
“Yes!” Barney exults, smiling and high-fiving himself.   
“I'm going to sleep” Ted huffs, walking into his bedroom.  
“I'm going too” Barney smirks, taking off his suit. Ted doesn't even bother telling him to go change into the bathroom, and just drifts to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new update soon!

**Author's Note:**

> leave kudos or comments if this didn't suck! English isn't my first language, so that's why you probably found mistakes. You someone wants to beta my works, that'd be appreciated.  
> See you later with a new chapter! (things get interesting, if you know what I mean.)


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